Fundamentals of Relationships: Working Towards Empowering Relationships

Many of us truly struggle to have genuine, authentic relationships. I am referring to relationships where you feel completely seen and understood. Relationships where you can have difficult discussions and speak your truth. Relationships where you are able to be your whole self. Relationships that are truly healing and transformational. Oh how we long for these. A place to belong and feel safe. To find your people. For many of us, working towards empowering relationships requires us to unlearn our habitual ways of interacting. When we are young we create a blueprint of who we are, who other people are, what the world is like, and how we can expect to be treated. This blueprint is created from how other people treat us and what they tell us about ourselves. Based on these definitions and expectations of ourselves and others, we develop strategies to gain love and to stay safe. Our blueprints come from a place of survival and wounding. They are taken for granted and unfortunately, are applied to our adult relationships. I created the Fundamentals of Relationships framework for myself and use it extensively with my clients. It helps me stay aware of when I am using outdated strategies that keep me in my woundings and survival. Relating from this place increases the likelihood of creating co-dependent and abusive relationships. I hope you will find them useful.

1. ACCOUNTABILITY

In relationships (and life) you need to take accountability for yourself and your ‘stuff’. This requires getting clear about what is your responsibility and what belongs to others. Your thoughts, feelings, triggers and behaviours are your responsibility. Getting your needs met and how you allow others to treat you, is your responsibility (through creating and maintaining clear boundaries). The most important part of Accountability is owning your woundings and understanding how they affect all your experiences. It is very easy to become triggered and blame another person for how you are reacting, “look what you made me do”. Through Counselling and Innerwork you can gain greater self-awareness. This gives you the best chance of having an open and honest assessment of yourself and the impact of your woundings. When someone shares an expectation, need or grievance with you; pause and reflect on whether it’s true and whether it’s something that you are responsible for. Acknowledge the parts you are responsible for and make the necessary repair. Hand everything else back. Be mindful to acknowledge the other person’s pain and suffering, as well as your natural tendency to want to be completely innocent. Unintended harm is still harm. There is a fine line between another person listening with their woundings and misunderstanding, and you being unclear and hurtful. Please remember, some “harm” is inevitable in terms of difficult conversations and speaking the truth. Honest feedback can be very difficult and painful to receive. Taking accountability for yourself doesn’t mean that others can get a free pass to treat you badly. From a position of accountability you see more clearly and can take appropriate steps when your boundaries are crossed.

2. CONTAINMENT

It is helpful to pay attention to the power dynamic and patterns playing out in your relationships. Ideally two equal individuals come together willingly. For this to happen, you need to stay centred and contained in yourself. In practice this looks like taking responsibility of your own stuff and allowing others to take care of theirs’. There is a tendency in relationships to leak into each other’s space. Some examples of this are:

• Judging, controlling and interfering
• Swooping in to rescue
• Taking the blame when it’s not true
• Acting like a victim
• Ignoring your own needs and hiding
• Being entitled

In these examples you can see that either the other person’s space is being invaded by you or they are being pulled into your space. You will know you are falling into this trap if you are working harder than the other person on their life, waiting for someone to rescue you, feeling fearful and controlled, or feeling angry that you aren’t getting what you deserve. You can support and guide people but shouldn’t take the active role in their life. Don’t do for others what they are able to do for themselves. They have free will and are powerful beings, allow them the opportunity to be. Swooping in the help or rescue someone without being asked or having explicit consent can be a form of abuse. This is because you are making judgements on what’s right for them, how it should be, what they need to be doing, and their capacity to do it. It also creates the possibility of control, manipulation and the use of force if they are uncooperative and resist what’s “good” for them. If the help is wanted and the person is acting like a passive victim or entitled; you will feel taken advantage of. It’s important to notice that working hard on another’s life is a strategy to feel important, loved and valued. It allows you to feel more powerful and avoid your own stuff. You get to pretend you have your stuff sorted. It’s a way of hiding from yourself and others. Equally, waiting to be rescued, ignoring your needs, or being entitled avoids accountability. You are wanting someone else to do the hard stuff for you. Lack of containment is likely to lead to resentment on both sides as no-one is being heard and no-one’s needs are being met.

3. MUTUAL BENEFIT

If you feel as though your relationships are all about the other person, be curious about why you find yourself in this relationship. How does it serve you? How does this relationship mirror your fears and triggers? Notice how you might be holding yourself distant. Ask yourself whether you are giving equally in your relationships. Are you taking up all the space and not really considering the other. How much do you know about your partners needs and fears and what lights them up. To benefit fully from your relationships you have to be “in” them. Being “in” a relationship refers to:

• Being open to the other
• Being vulnerable and not hiding yourself
• Bringing your needs and fears to the other person
• Having clear boundaries

All your relationships should be mutually beneficial. This is an invitation for you to bring yourself into your relationships and to notice the impact they have on you. Make your needs a priority and have clear boundaries. Allow yourself to take up space. Meet as equals.